Dreaming of Death

Full Moon Over Dallas by Matthew T Rader

I was at a conference (maybe a spiritual conference of some sorts) at a hotel with a bunch of people I don't know in real life, they told us to go back to our hotel rooms and get ready for the next meeting. They wanted us all to have a different look to us for this next session so I remember thinking I needed to straighten my hair, since I was wearing it curly. We were walking through the parking garage going back to our room and one of the directors of the conference ran up to us. He was saying that we needed to hurry up, that the floor we were staying on was going to collapse because the reinforcement beams were failing. I remember this sense of urgency that I had to go and shower and get my hair straightened before the floor collapsed on us all. We weren't really panicked at that point, just very hurried. It was odd to me that it was so important that I change my look before the collapse of the floor, instead of just grabbing my things and leaving.

I ended up showering, doing my hair and rushing to gather my things. I started feeling panicked at this point, but I had to bring my stuff with me. I was thinking to myself that it was so silly, me worrying about these replaceable items when my life was on the line, but I wasted the time to get them anyway. About 10 of us rushed onto the elevators and once the doors closed, the scene changed.

First it was as if I were watching the people outside of the hotel like a scene from a movie, they were all weeping because the floor had finally collapsed and I knew then that some didn't make it out. I remember thinking "Whew, I made it!" Obviously, since I was outside and not inside lying among the rubble. All of a sudden, a group of us were in a conference room on one of the top floors of the hotel sitting at a long conference table. This room had floor to ceiling windows around 2 sides of it. It was so bright and sunny that I remember such a warm feeling inside. I started listening to the group and the discussion they were having. They were talking about those that didn't make it off of the floor before it collapsed, I looked across the table at one of the men whose name they called. He seemed to be the only one who could see me and had just this vacant, sort of solemn, expression on his face. Then I heard them say my name. I remember mouthing to the man across the table "So... we're dead?" and he just slowly shook his head yes. Next thing I know, I was thrown back to before the floor collapse, in my hotel room gathering my things. This time I knew that if I tried to bring all of my things I wasn't going to make it off the floor, but for some reason I didn't want to change what I knew was going to happen. There was this sad peace that fell over me and then I woke up.

I felt a real sense of sadness when I woke, but not because I had died. Maybe it was because I felt I was finally losing something, something that I have programmed myself to want but that is no good for me. I know that death in a dream usually means some sort of change, like the death of an old way of living or a lifestyle. I'm not sure, but I do know that something is dying inside of me and I'm sad, but I know it's for the better. I know that it is so that something new and more beautiful can take it's place. At times we have to go out of our comfort zones and feel emotions we normally don't want to feel. That way we might actually reach that deeper, more authentic being that's been waiting inside all of the walls and barricades that we've built around it. So, I share this with you all because it is very heavy on my heart today. Dreams of death seem to do that though. Have you had any dreams of death recently? If so, please share!

I love you all and have missed you dearly,
Jessica

Fresh Ideas

Ok! So, I was telling my Madre on the phone last night how my new goal is to constantly keep my eyes open for fresh ideas and new inspirations for my blog. My inspiration for this "goal of inspiration"? A Sex and the City marathon on the Style channel, mom and I both said we are always inspired by that show! Probably because we are women and we love womanly things. Anywho... I'm not sure if you all know this or not, but this blog is almost like a self help book I'm writing for myself. No it's not just for me though, I want to share my experiences with others along the way so that some may be able to look at my life and learn something to take and apply to their own. I know that not every blog is going to be for every person that reads it, but I do know one thing, there WILL be AT least one person for every blog I write, even if it's just me. Alrighty, so... I've FINALLY decided to do something that I have been wanting to do for years.

Who remembers me saying last year that I would love to do a video beauty blog? Anyone, anyone? Well I do, and so I've decided to mesh the two blogs together. I believe that beauty does come from the inside out, but what if we have difficulty matching our outside with our insides? I know I always see a hairstyle on another woman and think "That is so cute on her, I would never be able to do that to mine!" or eye shadow on a lady and stare in awe knowing mine would never look that great if I tried. Well just as my blog is a self help book for life experiences, so it will be for beauty as well, for aren't all things we do experiences of life? I feel like they are, however small or life changing they may be to any one person  

I encourage you to join me in this journey! Let's look at it as though we are in it together. You'll be able to watch my mistakes, triumphs, and just plain silliness as I try out different hair and makeup techniques, and here's the fun part!! I want you all to send me new ideas you would like me to try that you've been dying to do, but didn't think you could or haven't had time to try yourself. This could include hair tricks you've seen on Pinterest or Makeup videos on  YouTube; Egg and Mayo split end treatments, peanut butter exfoliants (did you know peanut butter could be used as shaving cream?), french braided updos, or fun new eyeliner tips.  Anything your beautiful little hearts desire, let's have fun and get gorgeous pretty ladies!

So my first video is going to be a trick I just recently learned a few weeks ago, you may have seen the photo of my curly head getting ready for a night on the town? 

(I'm the one on the right, but I curled my sisters head with this technique also)

I got so many wonderful compliments on my hair style so... I figured I could show you all how I did it and try to break it down in a video, one which I'm currently working on now... I hope you're as excited as I am :-) 

Simple, yet so damn complicated

I know, I cussed. Excuse my language, my passion is showing! I just have a question though....Why are these brains of ours constantly getting in the way of our hearts? 

We're all trying to figure something out and are constantly over analyzing things. Sometimes I find myself wondering if this is it. Well, yeah this is it! But what, may I ask, is so bad a bout "this"? I have family that I love with all of my heart, and that love me. Wonderful friends that are super supportive and who I love very much. A place to work, and one that I actually love coming to. Air to breath, food to eat, and a life to live. What's the biggest commonality though? Love. This is what my heart desires. Pure, unadulterated LOVE! Not just the love of a significant other, which I always think about and at times really miss, just love. I know this may seem silly, but it is the absolute truth. When you simply love, you have no choice but to be loved. It's all very simple, yet we continuously complicate it. Why are some of the simplest problems so difficult to solve at times? Over thinking! 

Love really does make the world go round and I think we'll all just be better off when we start living with our hearts instead of our brains.... I love you all, have a great day!

I am not perfect....

I am not perfect. I have never claimed to be. Perfection? Who wants to be perfect? Not me. If I were to claim that I were perfect, that would mean that I was as good as I could possibly ever be. I know for a fact that is not the case. I make mistakes, get angry, frustrated, lonely, and at times, lash out because of them all. After all, you know, I am this thing called a human being. 

What I do claim though, is to love life and the people in it. Yes even the people that are unbearable to me. Because they are human, just like me, and they are probably hurting, just like I do at times. There is no perfection when it comes to the human race. We are constantly growing and evolving, molding ourselves into the universe as it grows and evolves as well. So when I get a nasty email from a coworker about something that was beyond my control, yes I want to tell her just where she can put that email, and sometimes I might be a little snarky, but I always feel badly afterwords. After all, even though she may be lashing out at me, more times than not it's not because of anything I'm doing. She may be hurting, or upset, or frustrated (or maybe I remind her of the girl in high school that used to piss her off in gym class). Who knows? what I do know is she is human, just like me. 

The important thing is not to be a vision of perfection. It's to learn, to grow, to evolve and come out better in the end. In our lives, a lesson will be repeated over and over and over again until the lesson that is meant to be learned is actually learned. What do ya know? Hard headed humans. I don't know about you all, but I can be so hard headed that I have to repeat these lessons more times than I'd like to admit. I guess it's OK though, I'm just going to consider myself really really smart and educated in those subjects and move it right along. Here's to constant growth!

Romeo: More than a Love Story

Sleeping on Mommy at just 3 months old.

This is my youngest little love bug. Many of you may not know that I have a youngest son because he lives with his father in Colorado, but here he is. He is my Romeo. Really, His name is Romeo Gabriel Parker-Wilson. I love him dearly and miss him every day. It's hard for me to talk about him. I made the choice to leave him with his daddy in Durango for many reasons. One being that I could not afford to take care of two babies on my own, and other because his daddy loved him so much. My second option would have been to bring him back to Texas with me and do what I could to raise both of my boys on my own, but I just couldn't see doing that to Romeos father. 

His daddy, Gabe, loved him from the moment I told him I was pregnant. I just knew it. We both loved him before he was even here! This is how I know that he is getting lots and lots of love in Colorado. But you know, I can't help it that I sometimes wish I would have gone with option two. I miss him so much.

Such a Smiley lil baby!

I hope that the older he gets, that he will know that I am here. I am going to do my best to make it known to him. Eventually he will know that I have always loved him and will love him until my last breath. I miss you My little Romeo.

Romeos Daddy and Mommy (7 months Pregnant) 4th of July '09

Meditation? There's no Right or Wrong.

What works for you, works for you. I was trying to explain all of this to a friend of mine last night. Meditation is not always the practice of sitting in a yogi position chanting, I practice meditation all throughout my day. This is a new practice for me, but it works!

Once I start having feelings of anxiety or any other emotion that makes me feel CRAZY I first ground myself. I picture my feet firmly rooted in the earth. I then relax my entire body from the top of my head to my toes. Then I just listen. What is my heart trying to tell me that my thoughts can’t process? Once I do this I swear I can actually hear my heart speaking to me. It is a lovely experience and when I open my thoughts back up everything is so much clearer. The trees look differently. The breeze feels like feathers on my skin, the sun setting in the distance makes me feel as though I’ve jumped into a painting in a nature magazine. I feel just as alive as everything surrounding me. 

Open your mind to try something new.

Into the Arctic

I've been covering up my anger. Concealing it's ugly face with things that I thought made me happy. The moments of happiness were fleeting and brought little to no joy. With each year that has passed I've been descending slowly into dangerous territory, all without even realizing it. Wake up calls are sadly sometimes necessary to awaken us out of a trance that we've become so comfortable with. This happened for me. For this I am grateful because it has forced me dig deep within myself and figure out what the hell it is that was making me ill.

Anger, resentment, and sadness. Not just towards others but towards myself as well. All of these emotions for things that were promised, or ideals that I've had that never came to pass.

Let go of it all. Write it all down. Tear it into tiny pieces and then stand on the banks of the Arctic Ocean and throw them into the sunset. Here's to clearing out your soul in order to love and to BE loved.

-A special thanks to my Sweet Friend L.W.

Changing Names

So I'm needing to change the name of my blog. Only for the fact that I feel it's not representing me as a person. Do you know me?

Well I know me:

I think I'm goofy, funny, real, sensitive, honest, open minded, kooky, wild, lazy, hard working, energetic, self motivated, dependent, self sufficient, Fun, Loving, Spiritual, Positive....

*Deep Breath*

OK maybe not all of these emotions or attributes at once, but I've been known for at least every one of these at least once in my life. And I love them.

So if you'd like to help me rename my blog, please comment! <3

Lot's of Love!
Me :-)

Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock.



The Persistence of Memory - Salvador Dali

 I called him the other night.

Him: "Hello"
Me: "Hey.......   .... *Sniffle*..... Can you talk?"

OK looking back. How can you deny a call like that, a few years ago he may have hung up, but this shows how cool we are.

Him: "Yeah, what's up"

Me: "You're on the phone aren't you, don't worry about it. *Sniff Sniff*"

Him: "Yeah! Hold on just one second... *click*"
...................

Him: "You there?"

Me: "Yes.... *Sniff, Giggle*, I'm here. You didn't have to get of the phone for me. "
Him: "Yes I did"

*I Smile*.....

Him: "You there?"

Me: "Yes, I'm embarrassed. I know you were talking to your new girl. I'm sorry."

Him: "Yes. I was, but its OK."

Now, when you read this it seems like two lovers (or past/ soon to be lovers) exchanging a conversation. This is the case, but to tell you it's different than what you think may seem asinine. Let's continue....

Me: “I’m sorry..." I am, but I'm also happy to have someone to talk to. Oh, but not just someone, a someone who knows me inside and out.

Him: “Don’t be sorry, it's OK, What's wrong?"

Me: “I don't know... *sniff sniff*"

Now for me to go on in dialogue would last all day and, frankly, I don't really want to.

I called the last person I would ever have expected to call when I felt love scorned. The fact that he answered says a lot about how far we have come from our past and the things we have accomplished. Who would have thunk it? Not me, not him, not anyone that knew us.

We continued with our conversation; me going on and on about what I hoped would have been and the realization of what will actually be with this so called love scorner (Let me clarify that I blame no one but myself for my recent scorning of love). ANYWAYS...

He listened, and he understood. He told me the things that he felt I needed to here, and he told me what he felt I was worth.

And then I told him the deepest darkest parts of myself that I never shared even when we were together.

I'm confused??

Why was I so afraid to share this with him when we shared our life together? Why couldn’t I tell him how much he meant to me? Why did I hide the things that didn’t make me feel good; the fact that I didn’t feel appreciated, the fact that I knew he didn’t know how much he meant to me. That stuff matters!

Hiding the things that hurt only made them fester and grow.

To tell the ones we love the good, the bad, and the ugly means to release them. We cannot keep these things from the ones we love. Regardless of whether or not we want to acknowledge it, once we tell the ones we love what hurts us the most, or even the opposite, what makes us feel good, it’s in their hands. What they do with it they will do with it.

When we make ourselves so totally vulnerable to the ones we love, we make ourselves vulnerable to receive the most amazing kind of love. If they do not take what we have to say and handle it in the most precious manner, then they could destroy us if we let them. To open ourselves so entirely to someone means to show them how you work.

Like opening the back of a clock; this lever makes the clock do this, and this lever makes the clock do that. You reveal this to someone and they now have the key to make you tick or tock. Or maybe, even without even realizing it, stop time completely.


This is a hard pill to swallow for me. Maybe just because of the type of person I am. I want the ones that I love to know every little detail about what makes me tick. The reality of it is, maybe they have never handled this kind of "clock" before. It's different, it's ancient, and it ticks a lot differently then the others might tock.

Letting Go

I'm sitting on the kitchen counter of our 3rd floor apartment in Germany, seven months pregnant. Im watching for him. From that counter I can see the tree lined road edging the pristine courtyard that's nestled between the rows and rows of apartments that are half empty. Funny thing is, even some of the homes that are full of families are void of any life. I know because we are one of them.

I remember pouring my big ole pregnant self a bowl of cereal.

I sit, and I eat.

I cry and I eat, praying for whatever God I believed in at the the time to please bring him home safe. I don't care about whatever mischievous things he's been up to, I just want him to be safe. I just want him here with me, right now, in this moment of loneliness.

I have no one else to call, because if I called them they would want me to come home, back to the states.

Away from him, away from my family.

Away from The family I've been fighting so hard for.

Away from my unborn son and the only father he would know.

So I just sit there and I cry into my cereal and wait. Begging My God to bring him home. Bring him home safe so that I can continue to be the glue that held my family together like a precious family heirloom, held together with that super duper ultimate glue. You know, the ones that we see on the infomercials that proclaim to be able to hold a ten ton truck over the edge of the town bridge. That's how strong I felt, just like that glue.

It's 7 AM now.

I unwillingly carry my unborn child into my bedroom, shuffling the weight of him and myself into our empty bed. I sing us into a "Jesus Loves Us" and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" tear induced slumber. I wake every thirty minutes until he finally arrives home the next day. Its 2 pm.

This was the beginning of my life long bond with my first born. It's there in my soul, it's there in his.

Forever.

Dry Spell

Understanding what truly makes us happy can be hard at times. We are filled with so much happiness from outside sources too often, I know this is true for me.

I'm going to pause here and analyze the fact that I'm constantly wondering what makes me happy. My family makes me happy; my son, my mother, my sisters they all fill me with joy. I've said it too many times. It's too easy for me to tell you what I can go to to feel happy.

My question to myself is how can I be truly happy without looking for outside sources. Is this even possible? To love and be loved is happiness to me, so I'm not so sure that it's possible at this very moment for me to tell you how I can make myself happy. I'm searching for that one thing within myself that I can go to when I'm feeling unhappy. No one else is going to be able help me find the true source of my own happiness. It's mine and mine alone to find and to know and live and to be.

Strength. It's going to take a lot of strength to find it, this source of happiness within myself that I'm so willing to give everyone else but can't quite live off on my own.

Like a steady stream of water in the desert that everyone gets to feed off while I stand as the source, being drained until I'm left dry. Standing, waiting for some storm to fill me up, only to be drained again.

I have no option but to find my own source. I can't keep waiting to be filled.

One of Daves' Lovers

My favorite Dave Mathews song! Well one of them, ha.

I was about six or seven when I can actually remember first listening to Dave Mathews. My mom, being the wonderful creature that she is, used to listen to him all the time. I am so grateful for that, she planted a love for this band that will last a life time. My middle sister, Taylor, told me that it's the one band that her and her husband agree on at all times. They are so adorable, my sister and her husband. They have the most unique love and relationship. I spent the past weekend with the two of them and their two kiddos. We were driving our children to the park yesterday, as I played DJ in her mini van she pointed out the Dave Mathews kick that I've been on. I can't really explain why I've become obsessed, but I'm not complaining and neither was she. We both agreed that to be a Dave Mathews fan you must be completely in love with his music, there is no in between. You either love him or you don't. 

On my bucket list is to go to an outdoor concert of theirs with everyone that I love, everyone I love who are also lovers of Dave. Who's in?

"With out sadness, happiness cannot exist."

I'm really trying (really needing) to write at this moment but it's just not happening as easily tonight. I put on my head phones, turned Pandora to Dave Mathews radio (which has been my writing partner since day one of this blog), and started typing. I usually don't write unless I get some kind of inspiration, it just helps me to not become frustrated. Funny thing is frustration actually became my motivation tonight.

I read a quote from this blog http://living-authentically.blogspot.com/ that help put some things into retrospect for me:

"Without sadness, happiness cannot exist. They complete each other." 

Some emotions are really difficult for me to feel, sadness being one of those. I hate it, feeling sad or lonely. I know these aren't emotions any one really WANTS to feel, but I understand that a small majority are comforted by their hurt. Me, I'm not one of them. So, anytime I feel an icky emotion that I don't want to feel, I just push it away and mask it. I need to stop this. I need to feel my emotions because I believe it's the only way to figure out why I'm feeling a certain way, to move forward and out of it. 

Like I said, the writing is not coming easy for me tonight. Usually I would give up and try again at a later time, but tonight I wanted to try something new. I wanted to feel the frustration that comes with not being able to express myself in my words. I want to accept that I'm not always going to be able to feel the good emotions, to acknowledge and feel the bad ones as well. Because like Dan said in his blog, the good emotions complete the bad emotions. 

So here I am. I'm feeling the frustration and irritation but guess what, I also feel triumphant and happy as I reread this post checking for spelling errors and such. Because I did it, I wrote. It may not be one of my best blogs, but isn't that one of the joys of blogging? The good, the bad, and the ugly right there for all the world to see. This is me at this very moment and I'm putting it out there, and now I'm going to accept it. The End.

Could you spare some change?

When you open your life up for positive change, it comes! Really... I just tried it and it happened. Don't get me wrong when I'm down, I am waaaay down. I’m talking the type of down where I don’t want people to see me because they wouldn’t recognize me. I mean, looking back at those times I don’t even recognize me. My point is I’m not all happy go lucky at all times, but when I am feeling down and really analyze why, I usually get somewhere with it.

Ok, if I’m not making sense to you let me see if I can break it down. This might mean that I have to get personal, which for me on here has not come too easy thus far. I will give you an experience that has gotten me to writing this very blog. I guess you could say that it all begins with this past weekend. I met someone about a month ago that I have had deep, meaningful (and let’s face it sometimes goofy and not so meaningful) phone conversations with that sometimes lasted hours, the first time we talked it was for FIVE hours. No Joke. I had never met my phone buddy in person, but I felt I didn’t even need to. I already knew them. We had connected in the most fantastic way ever, which didn’t include any physical connection whatsoever. I connect with this person in the best way you could possibly connect with someone! I’m really trying to explain this to you guys, but I know I can’t put it into words so we’ll keep it moving. So you get it, we connected as practically strangers and then met in person. Let me tell you that this has been the most enlightening experience ever. After you have connected with someone on such a meaningful level, it’s so hard to go back to life as you knew it. I just can’t go back to the fun things that occupied my time before, which to be honest with you mostly included mingling with all of my Dallas comrades at the best happy hour spots and restaurants. That stuff is all fine and dandy and fun, but it just doesn’t interest me after this weekend of family, friends, and all of the things that I mentioned in my last blog that truly make me happy!

Anyways, back to my point. So I get back from this great weekend and I say to myself “Self, what are you going to do now?” I thought of all of the things that I do each week, trying to come across something that interested me. Do I want to call Evalyn* and go have a margarita? Maybe I’ll try and call Melinda* and resolve the dispute we got in over a controversial topic and a couple bottles of Sweet Red? None of it seemed enticing, but one thing did! Writing. I wanted to write because if there was no one for me to have a little conversation and connecting chat with, I would just connect with my inner feelings. I would write, and I would wait. Wait for whatever my next move was. Wait for the change that was surrounding me, slowly inching its way into my life to show its face and for me to embrace it.

This change came to me last night when a very close friend of mine, whom I haven’t spoken with in months, called me to ask for a favor. She’s starting a Non-Profit and wants me to help, to get involved, to WRITE for the organizations web site! You see that?? I felt change coming into my life and I dug deep within myself, searching for what this change that I longed for might be and BAM… a conformation that I am on the right track. I embraced this change when I felt it, knowing it could be nothing but positive. I let go of the fear and worry and every other negative emotion I was feeling at the time, and grasped for the light. I searched for it like you would a light switch in the dark. Feeling, grasping, stopping to touch on the things that were familiar and the things that I knew would lead me out of the darkness. If you search for something long enough and open yourself to the possibilities of the positive that comes from change, you will eventually find it, even if it turns out to not exactly be the change you expected. Stay Positive, Live Positive, I promise you will see a change.

Loving, Living, Connecting, Happiness

Ayden and Me in San Diego '06

What motivates you? If I had to answer that  question, without a doubt my answer would be happiness! It’s what I strive for on a daily basis. Happiness. I just like saying it, it’s like speaking it into action. Every day when I wake up I think, what will make me happy today? It sounds like a selfish thing, but really it’s not. Happiness to me is LOVE. Not just being loved but giving love, loving life and nature and everything it has to offer. I appreciate the small things in life. 

Brett & Zayne Durango CO 

A Day I Cherish

 The small joys like my morning coffee, oh my gosh how I love my morning coffee. I don’t love it only for its purpose, which is to wake me out of the foggy haze surrounding me each morning. I love the deep smell, the smooth bold taste, the warm feel of it as I take that first sip and it starts its journey through each part of my body. Yes my morning coffee alone is an experience for me, one that I enjoy thoroughly. Sometimes I just want to take these moments of happiness and appreciation and bottle them so that maybe, on a day when my coffee doesn’t taste as great, I can open that bottle and remember. Remind myself that this is life! Each and every thing that we do each day is a part of life.

Family, Last Summer '11... Connecting at its finest

Waking, eating, drinking, loving, dancing, running, breathing, brushing our teeth, washing our hair, these are the things that make up our lives. We’re always searching for more, wanting more, asking for more, but what if this is all there is? Would that be so bad really? Maybe there would be nothing wrong with just simply “living” if we did just that, lived every single moment. Is it possible to really appreciate the small things? To actually feel the warm sun kissing our skin as we walk into the grocery store, and then enjoying the breeze that cools that kiss? I want to. I want to soak in as much of this life as I possibly can. I want to meet new people, and go to places I never thought I would even want to go. I want to build relationships with these beautiful people in my life, I want to hear and live their stories, to feel what they feel and to connect with them on every possible level. This to me is happiness; living, loving, breathing, giving, dancing and laughing.

My niece Dylan dancing to her hearts content. 

All of these things connect me to my life and the life around me, and isn’t this what we all crave the most? That connection so that we know we are not alone? I know it’s true for me. 

Loving=Living=Connecting=Happiness

Some Things Are Worth It

Some thing’s are worth it. In the moment, you savor every detail. Revel in each feeling, each thought, each emotion. You gravitate towards whatever it is that’s telling you that the world is perfect, that life is beautiful, that everything is just as it should be in that moment. You know that it’s not secure, that you could blink and that feeling could be gone, just a memory, but you enjoy it while you can, pushing away the thought that it won’t last. Sometimes it’s like taking your dream car out for a test drive, knowing that you can’t afford it. You take that test drive and you process it in your memory forever, holding on every minute detail, taking them with you to your dreams. When you do dream about that one drive, of course you’ll wake up and long for that feeling again. Sometimes the longing will be so strong it becomes a physical pain, but you still have your memory. You still have that one beautiful reminder, driving with the windows down, your hair blowing in the wind, the radio on and that fantastic dream carrying you down the highway. When you think about that experience and long you for it, hoping that you can feel that high again and that it might become permanent, it makes you smile. You smile, and then you long. Long to feel how you felt in that moment, even for just a moment. It’s torture at times really. Sometimes it’s not worth it, but when it is, it is sooo worth it.

Out with the old so there's room for the new

Relationships are like plants. You must feed, water, and nurture them. Give them light when they need it and shelter them from the cold. But what if you don't know what your plant needs? What if your plant were not showing any signs of dying until it were too late? If something is already weak, say said plant, and a storm were to come along, the chances of it surviving are slimmer than if it were healthy. But who is at fault, is it the plants fault for not showing signs? Or was it showing signs and you just weren't paying close enough attention? I'm pretty sure it's a little of both.

Some relationships in my life right now are withering. I'm really not surprised, only because this happens every time I start digging and soul searching and trying to understand life and things and myself. Certain wonderful people appear that help tremendously, but some of the people that I thought would understand and help the most are gone. Maybe they don't belong in this new chapter of my life? Maybe I'm supposed to slowly write them out of my book until they are just a memory on the pages? I don't know, but I do know that when you bring in something new, you have to get rid of something old to make room. It could be that this is making space for something new and beautiful, something unexpected.  

Just talking about it helps...

If you really know me, you know that I am an extremely deep, sensitive, and spiritual individual. I think with my heart, at all times. I wear it on my sleeve, for all to see, touch, hear. I want to love and to be loved. I want to be happy, and to help others find happiness. This blog is really a way for me to get out all of these feelings I have inside, to maybe show others that they are not alone and connect with them on a very personal level. If no connection happens, and those of you that read this can't really understand where I am coming from, that's alright too. The important thing here is that I am in search of my own soul, I want to put my inner feelings into words so that I may be able to find an inner peace. That peace you read about in novels, you know, the great book with the sob story that ends in the lead character accepting themselves and becoming triumphant in life, love, and happiness. Don't we all want this though? We all long for a connection. We search for this connection in religion, friendships, lovers, our children, everything. My mom put it perfectly to me during one of our frequent mid-morning chats over the phone and our morning coffee. She said she see's us all like the tree of souls in Avatar, every human in life connected. Each one of us deeply rooted and intertwined together, just like the roots of that tree, and everyone of us make up the world as we know it. It's why we crave connection, it's what we were created to do. 


My mom wrote the following poem about me when I was almost 15 (and a blonde mind you), an inexperienced little thing. I love reading it. My mother is such an amazing writer and can capture emotions so vividly and in such a poetic way. I want to share it because it shows how deeply passionate and sensitive I have been all of my life, which I know I get from her. My best friend, my lovely mama. She really gets me I believe, how lucky I am!


Say Nothing


She comes to me today
Sits with me at the computer
Lays her sweet blonde head
Against my arm and cries
I don't know what's wrong
She says, her swimming eyes
Fixed on some invisible point
Beyond the edge of the desk
Can't sleep at night, she says
Feel dead inside, she says
Right here! clinched fist pressed
Into the hollow between
And just below her breast
The paleness of the skin
Contrasting with the blood
Blood red of her shirt and
I sit for a moment, watching 
The blue veins of her hand
Mesmerized, almost, by their
Striking appearance beneath
The smooth, translucent wrap
But she pulls her hand away
Looks to me with blue-gray eyes
The very same eyes that stared
At me on the day she was born
Cuddling into my chest
Radiating love from every
Pore in her newborn body
Warming me from head to toe
Filling me with wonder-love
Now looking to me with
Questions I cannot answer
Darling, the past six months. . . .
Honey, when Lacey died. . . .
Baby, your sisters left home. . .
Sweetie, boyfriends fade away. . .
What do I say, say everything
Tell her not to fight it
Tell her to go with it
Advise her like the
Seasoned pro that I am
Brush her hair away from her cheek
Tuck long smooth strands
Behind her ear, marvel at the
Swirl of downy white hair
At the nape of her neck
And try not to cry. . .
Please, God, don't let her see me cry
Say nothing, nothing at all
I feel better now, she says
Just talking about it helps, she says
I nod, nod, somewhat relieved
Good! I say, with enthusiasm
I don't quite feel, remaining
Cautious, always cautious
Knowing anything is possible
Knowing life will steal the
Light from the brightest
Of the bluest-gray eyes
If they are left to swim alone


For Jessica
November 5, 2002

The best time of my life?

People used to tell me when I was a teenager that I needed to enjoy it, that it was going to be the best time of my life. To enjoy it while it lasted, before I had bills to pay, little mouths of my own to feed, responsibilities other than getting up for school on time and keeping good grades. I never believed them; instead I would think “If this is the best time of my life, just shoot me now.” I had a hard time with high school. Not with the social aspect of it, believe me, I could get along with anyone from any crowd. It was the sitting in class that I had an issue with. It really didn’t start until my sophomore year at Fossil Ridge High School, in Keller Texas. My freshman year I was going to a very small school in the podunk town of Utopia Texas, before my parents moved up to Fort Worth at the end of the school year. I wasn’t able to finish out the year and ended up losing all of my credits for my second semester. So the next year I started off as a freshman at Fossil Ridge but I had to take all of the same classes I had already sat through. Two of roughest classes to retake were Biology and Algebra. I remember being SO bored, and a little bit angry sitting in class, listening to the same lectures, learning the same things over again. I already knew most of it. I would ace all of my tests but slack on my homework, sometimes being 2 weeks behind on it, all because it was so stinking boring that I refused to spend my free time after school doing the homework. My sophomore year I floated by with a C+ average, my time in class spent daydreaming with out even noticing it and writing notes to my friends. At the end of my sophomore year the school found out that my family had moved out of the district. My dad used to drive us 30 minutes in traffic to get us to school every morning. I remember literally begging the school to please let me finish the year out before I had to switch, but they were not having it. So off I went to Northwest High School in Justin Texas, leaving Fossil Ridge, and leaving behind three fourths of a semester worth of credits that I had accumulated. My junior year at Northwest I started the year with the credits of a brand new sophomore. I remember feeling over it all, over high school, over the same classes that I would have to repeat, over meeting yet another set of friends at yet another high school. So I just gave up. When I was in sixth grade I had gone to Northwest, a lot of my friends still went there so I had a few girls that I would hangout with. I started skipping school daily, sneaking away in their cars to smoke cigarettes and listen to Brittney Spears blasting on their radios. The school eventually informed my mother of my behavior, telling her that in order for there to be any hopes of me graduating I’d have to take summer school. She wasn’t having it, my mom told me that I would have to drop out of school and get my GED. She didn’t feel there was any hope of me graduating, I’m sure judging by the choices I was making. So despite my pleas and promises to dedicate my self to school again, I had to drop out. I was 15 when this happened and I remember it as if it were yesterday. This was the beginning of me becoming an adult.

Journey

I’ve decided to start blogging about my life. I am not sure of where I am going to start, or even what I am going to write about. Just going to start writing and see what comes out. I look back at it all and most of it seems so far away, some parts dull and gray, heavy and powerful, some parts bright and full of life and love. I’ve never seen myself as a writer really. I mean, I like to think that I can put together sentences to make it seem like I know what I’m doing. This doesn’t mean I actually know what I am doing. I guess you can say that’s how I have felt about “growing up”. Just going through the motions and hoping I get it right. It hasn’t been an easy road to 26. When you drop out of high school at 15 you’re sort of forced to grow up early. You don’t have those 3 extra years to try and get as much knowledge lodged in your thick skull so that you can hopefully survive the real world. I feel much older than 26 really. When people ask me my age I really want to reply with how old I feel. “Oh, I’m 29.” I’d say, and probably followed with “What’s that you say? I don’t look 29?” I don’t lie though, because I have a hard enough time convincing most that I am 26, it just seems like a lot of work. So back to my road, from age 15 to age 26 I have probably been through more than most 40-somethings have. Some of these things include getting married at 18, pregnant by 19, moving to a foreign country 2 months pregnant, baby by age 20, and divorced by 24. Not to mention the many trials and tribulations intermingled with babies and family and friends and love that I’ve encountered along the way. That is what I want to write about. All of the tiny (and not so tiny) track marks, bumps, and forks that I have endured on this road to the great age of 26. It’s been a beautiful and crazy journey, this first quarter of my life, but I wouldn’t change a thing.