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| The Persistence of Memory - Salvador Dali |
Him: "Hello"
Me: "Hey....... .... *Sniffle*..... Can you talk?"
OK looking back. How can you deny a call like that, a few years ago he may have hung up, but this shows how cool we are.
Him: "Yeah, what's up"
Me: "You're on the phone aren't you, don't worry about it. *Sniff Sniff*"
Him: "Yeah! Hold on just one second... *click*"
...................
Him: "You there?"
Me: "Yes.... *Sniff, Giggle*, I'm here. You didn't have to get of the phone for me. "
Him: "Yes I did"
*I Smile*.....
Him: "You there?"
Me: "Yes, I'm embarrassed. I know you were talking to your new girl. I'm sorry."
Him: "Yes. I was, but its OK."
Now, when you read this it seems like two lovers (or past/ soon to be lovers) exchanging a conversation. This is the case, but to tell you it's different than what you think may seem asinine. Let's continue....
Me: “I’m sorry..." I am, but I'm also happy to have someone to talk to. Oh, but not just someone, a someone who knows me inside and out.
Him: “Don’t be sorry, it's OK, What's wrong?"
Me: “I don't know... *sniff sniff*"
Now for me to go on in dialogue would last all day and, frankly, I don't really want to.
I called the last person I would ever have expected to call when I felt love scorned. The fact that he answered says a lot about how far we have come from our past and the things we have accomplished. Who would have thunk it? Not me, not him, not anyone that knew us.
We continued with our conversation; me going on and on about what I hoped would have been and the realization of what will actually be with this so called love scorner (Let me clarify that I blame no one but myself for my recent scorning of love). ANYWAYS...
He listened, and he understood. He told me the things that he felt I needed to here, and he told me what he felt I was worth.
And then I told him the deepest darkest parts of myself that I never shared even when we were together.
I'm confused??
Why was I so afraid to share this with him when we shared our life together? Why couldn’t I tell him how much he meant to me? Why did I hide the things that didn’t make me feel good; the fact that I didn’t feel appreciated, the fact that I knew he didn’t know how much he meant to me. That stuff matters!
Hiding the things that hurt only made them fester and grow.
To tell the ones we love the good, the bad, and the ugly means to release them. We cannot keep these things from the ones we love. Regardless of whether or not we want to acknowledge it, once we tell the ones we love what hurts us the most, or even the opposite, what makes us feel good, it’s in their hands. What they do with it they will do with it.
When we make ourselves so totally vulnerable to the ones we love, we make ourselves vulnerable to receive the most amazing kind of love. If they do not take what we have to say and handle it in the most precious manner, then they could destroy us if we let them. To open ourselves so entirely to someone means to show them how you work.
Like opening the back of a clock; this lever makes the clock do this, and this lever makes the clock do that. You reveal this to someone and they now have the key to make you tick or tock. Or maybe, even without even realizing it, stop time completely.
This is a hard pill to swallow for me. Maybe just because of the type of person I am. I want the ones that I love to know every little detail about what makes me tick. The reality of it is, maybe they have never handled this kind of "clock" before. It's different, it's ancient, and it ticks a lot differently then the others might tock.
As your mom, this made me cry. But I need to try to look at it objectively, because you are saying a lot of good stuff here. To me, this post is about control - giving people we love most the power to make us happy or sad. I believe it's a balancing act. We have to be vulnerable in order to love and be loved, but we also have to take care of ourselves and protect ourselves. I think that's what we're supposed to do. That's why we are individuals and not joined at the hip, thank God, with someone else. I used to think that I needed to share every deep part of myself with my partner, in order to have the closest connection and deepest love possible. I no longer believe that's true. There are some things I just want to keep to myself, things that I cherish about me that others may not understand. And that makes me love myself even more. Not sure if this makes any sense, but if anyone can get it, it's you, my little sweetie. I'm just thinking here...not trying to tell you something you don't already know. Thank you for this wonderful post and for your honesty. Hang in there. I love you.
ReplyDeleteYour mom's right (of course). We love others, but we too often forget to love ourselves. We forget to treat ourself with kindness and forgive our own transgressions. The important part of being vulnerable isn't showing others your weaknesses and faults, it's admitting them to yourself.
ReplyDeleteWhen we accept who we are, the good and the bad, we're not afraid what others will think so we're free to share who we are with them. We all believe we have the divine spark within us, which is true. However, we foolishly try to get through this life on our own. God made it so we would have to ask for help from others carrying the divine spark to help us through.
We all have to be good to each other... we're all we've got.
First, I love the relationship between you and your Mom. She wants you to be an individual that finds your happiness without needing to find it in someone else. but I see what you are saying here. You are willing to open yourself up and let someone understand exactly who you are, providing a glimpse that others rarely see. Both of these thoughts are right and good. A mother wants to protect her child and a child wants to find her own way. You are both doing a wonderful job.
ReplyDeleteThank you Bill! I was raised by a wonderful woman!
DeleteThis was so awesome!!
ReplyDeleteIm so proud of you! and your writting skills
We let go of our control to a partner who has self control. We give power to a partner who has supernatural responsibility. We give our hearts to a humble partner who surrenders to a higher authority that unfailingly Loves that persons heart more than the partner.
So i agree with all. if both sides give it all and release it all...its a flow, its a river