I am not perfect....

I am not perfect. I have never claimed to be. Perfection? Who wants to be perfect? Not me. If I were to claim that I were perfect, that would mean that I was as good as I could possibly ever be. I know for a fact that is not the case. I make mistakes, get angry, frustrated, lonely, and at times, lash out because of them all. After all, you know, I am this thing called a human being. 

What I do claim though, is to love life and the people in it. Yes even the people that are unbearable to me. Because they are human, just like me, and they are probably hurting, just like I do at times. There is no perfection when it comes to the human race. We are constantly growing and evolving, molding ourselves into the universe as it grows and evolves as well. So when I get a nasty email from a coworker about something that was beyond my control, yes I want to tell her just where she can put that email, and sometimes I might be a little snarky, but I always feel badly afterwords. After all, even though she may be lashing out at me, more times than not it's not because of anything I'm doing. She may be hurting, or upset, or frustrated (or maybe I remind her of the girl in high school that used to piss her off in gym class). Who knows? what I do know is she is human, just like me. 

The important thing is not to be a vision of perfection. It's to learn, to grow, to evolve and come out better in the end. In our lives, a lesson will be repeated over and over and over again until the lesson that is meant to be learned is actually learned. What do ya know? Hard headed humans. I don't know about you all, but I can be so hard headed that I have to repeat these lessons more times than I'd like to admit. I guess it's OK though, I'm just going to consider myself really really smart and educated in those subjects and move it right along. Here's to constant growth!

Romeo: More than a Love Story

Sleeping on Mommy at just 3 months old.

This is my youngest little love bug. Many of you may not know that I have a youngest son because he lives with his father in Colorado, but here he is. He is my Romeo. Really, His name is Romeo Gabriel Parker-Wilson. I love him dearly and miss him every day. It's hard for me to talk about him. I made the choice to leave him with his daddy in Durango for many reasons. One being that I could not afford to take care of two babies on my own, and other because his daddy loved him so much. My second option would have been to bring him back to Texas with me and do what I could to raise both of my boys on my own, but I just couldn't see doing that to Romeos father. 

His daddy, Gabe, loved him from the moment I told him I was pregnant. I just knew it. We both loved him before he was even here! This is how I know that he is getting lots and lots of love in Colorado. But you know, I can't help it that I sometimes wish I would have gone with option two. I miss him so much.

Such a Smiley lil baby!

I hope that the older he gets, that he will know that I am here. I am going to do my best to make it known to him. Eventually he will know that I have always loved him and will love him until my last breath. I miss you My little Romeo.

Romeos Daddy and Mommy (7 months Pregnant) 4th of July '09

Meditation? There's no Right or Wrong.

What works for you, works for you. I was trying to explain all of this to a friend of mine last night. Meditation is not always the practice of sitting in a yogi position chanting, I practice meditation all throughout my day. This is a new practice for me, but it works!

Once I start having feelings of anxiety or any other emotion that makes me feel CRAZY I first ground myself. I picture my feet firmly rooted in the earth. I then relax my entire body from the top of my head to my toes. Then I just listen. What is my heart trying to tell me that my thoughts can’t process? Once I do this I swear I can actually hear my heart speaking to me. It is a lovely experience and when I open my thoughts back up everything is so much clearer. The trees look differently. The breeze feels like feathers on my skin, the sun setting in the distance makes me feel as though I’ve jumped into a painting in a nature magazine. I feel just as alive as everything surrounding me. 

Open your mind to try something new.

Into the Arctic

I've been covering up my anger. Concealing it's ugly face with things that I thought made me happy. The moments of happiness were fleeting and brought little to no joy. With each year that has passed I've been descending slowly into dangerous territory, all without even realizing it. Wake up calls are sadly sometimes necessary to awaken us out of a trance that we've become so comfortable with. This happened for me. For this I am grateful because it has forced me dig deep within myself and figure out what the hell it is that was making me ill.

Anger, resentment, and sadness. Not just towards others but towards myself as well. All of these emotions for things that were promised, or ideals that I've had that never came to pass.

Let go of it all. Write it all down. Tear it into tiny pieces and then stand on the banks of the Arctic Ocean and throw them into the sunset. Here's to clearing out your soul in order to love and to BE loved.

-A special thanks to my Sweet Friend L.W.