And it Stoned Me

It's winter in east Texas. A hazy and chilly Saturday afternoon, but the living room of our sprawling ranch home is warm and cozy. From the brick fire place in the center of our family room you can hear the crackling of mesquite logs or some type of log that was probably chopped by my ranch hand daddy then placed carefully in the hearth to create the most perfect blaze.

My beautiful mother is cleaning and dancing to Van Morrison's Moondance album, spinning in unison with the vinyl as the record plays the perfect melody. I must be between seven and nine years old, a bright eyed little blonde headed girl with so many dreams and a whole lifetime to fulfill them. I used to just watch my mother. Watch her while she sat at her typewriter, watch her as she cleaned the house to her favorite vinyl, watch her as she rearranged our living room furniture. She used to do that often, change the orientation of our furniture, working tirelessly to create something new. Almost like her and the furniture were connected by some invisible force and if it changed, maybe so would she. Of course I didn't know then why she often shifted our living room around. Only when I grew older and started doing it myself did I finally get it.

Photo Credit: Kristi Johnson (my mommy)

Now I am almost the same age as she was during this memory, one that's etched so clearly in my brain, and with my own little curious bright eyed 9 year old watching my every move. He is definitely a lot like me in that sense. Always watching and listening in secrecy (Or what he thinks is secrecy, I've caught on now and usually shoo him away), too eager to learn what life is really about. Too eager to grow up and be an adult and do adult things. It's amazing, isn't it? The circle of life and how things work. How we become the things that we admire the most without even realizing it. It makes me want to create the same type of warm environment for my children to grow up in, a life worth remembering and retelling. A type of invisible guidebook for my children to grow up and follow as they raise my future grand babies. I can only hope that my children grow to regard me in the same way that I do my own mother, with bittersweet emotions and as an anchor to what life is really about. Love.

Dreaming of Death

Full Moon Over Dallas by Matthew T Rader

I was at a conference (maybe a spiritual conference of some sorts) at a hotel with a bunch of people I don't know in real life, they told us to go back to our hotel rooms and get ready for the next meeting. They wanted us all to have a different look to us for this next session so I remember thinking I needed to straighten my hair, since I was wearing it curly. We were walking through the parking garage going back to our room and one of the directors of the conference ran up to us. He was saying that we needed to hurry up, that the floor we were staying on was going to collapse because the reinforcement beams were failing. I remember this sense of urgency that I had to go and shower and get my hair straightened before the floor collapsed on us all. We weren't really panicked at that point, just very hurried. It was odd to me that it was so important that I change my look before the collapse of the floor, instead of just grabbing my things and leaving.

I ended up showering, doing my hair and rushing to gather my things. I started feeling panicked at this point, but I had to bring my stuff with me. I was thinking to myself that it was so silly, me worrying about these replaceable items when my life was on the line, but I wasted the time to get them anyway. About 10 of us rushed onto the elevators and once the doors closed, the scene changed.

First it was as if I were watching the people outside of the hotel like a scene from a movie, they were all weeping because the floor had finally collapsed and I knew then that some didn't make it out. I remember thinking "Whew, I made it!" Obviously, since I was outside and not inside lying among the rubble. All of a sudden, a group of us were in a conference room on one of the top floors of the hotel sitting at a long conference table. This room had floor to ceiling windows around 2 sides of it. It was so bright and sunny that I remember such a warm feeling inside. I started listening to the group and the discussion they were having. They were talking about those that didn't make it off of the floor before it collapsed, I looked across the table at one of the men whose name they called. He seemed to be the only one who could see me and had just this vacant, sort of solemn, expression on his face. Then I heard them say my name. I remember mouthing to the man across the table "So... we're dead?" and he just slowly shook his head yes. Next thing I know, I was thrown back to before the floor collapse, in my hotel room gathering my things. This time I knew that if I tried to bring all of my things I wasn't going to make it off the floor, but for some reason I didn't want to change what I knew was going to happen. There was this sad peace that fell over me and then I woke up.

I felt a real sense of sadness when I woke, but not because I had died. Maybe it was because I felt I was finally losing something, something that I have programmed myself to want but that is no good for me. I know that death in a dream usually means some sort of change, like the death of an old way of living or a lifestyle. I'm not sure, but I do know that something is dying inside of me and I'm sad, but I know it's for the better. I know that it is so that something new and more beautiful can take it's place. At times we have to go out of our comfort zones and feel emotions we normally don't want to feel. That way we might actually reach that deeper, more authentic being that's been waiting inside all of the walls and barricades that we've built around it. So, I share this with you all because it is very heavy on my heart today. Dreams of death seem to do that though. Have you had any dreams of death recently? If so, please share!

I love you all and have missed you dearly,
Jessica

Fresh Ideas

Ok! So, I was telling my Madre on the phone last night how my new goal is to constantly keep my eyes open for fresh ideas and new inspirations for my blog. My inspiration for this "goal of inspiration"? A Sex and the City marathon on the Style channel, mom and I both said we are always inspired by that show! Probably because we are women and we love womanly things. Anywho... I'm not sure if you all know this or not, but this blog is almost like a self help book I'm writing for myself. No it's not just for me though, I want to share my experiences with others along the way so that some may be able to look at my life and learn something to take and apply to their own. I know that not every blog is going to be for every person that reads it, but I do know one thing, there WILL be AT least one person for every blog I write, even if it's just me. Alrighty, so... I've FINALLY decided to do something that I have been wanting to do for years.

Who remembers me saying last year that I would love to do a video beauty blog? Anyone, anyone? Well I do, and so I've decided to mesh the two blogs together. I believe that beauty does come from the inside out, but what if we have difficulty matching our outside with our insides? I know I always see a hairstyle on another woman and think "That is so cute on her, I would never be able to do that to mine!" or eye shadow on a lady and stare in awe knowing mine would never look that great if I tried. Well just as my blog is a self help book for life experiences, so it will be for beauty as well, for aren't all things we do experiences of life? I feel like they are, however small or life changing they may be to any one person  

I encourage you to join me in this journey! Let's look at it as though we are in it together. You'll be able to watch my mistakes, triumphs, and just plain silliness as I try out different hair and makeup techniques, and here's the fun part!! I want you all to send me new ideas you would like me to try that you've been dying to do, but didn't think you could or haven't had time to try yourself. This could include hair tricks you've seen on Pinterest or Makeup videos on  YouTube; Egg and Mayo split end treatments, peanut butter exfoliants (did you know peanut butter could be used as shaving cream?), french braided updos, or fun new eyeliner tips.  Anything your beautiful little hearts desire, let's have fun and get gorgeous pretty ladies!

So my first video is going to be a trick I just recently learned a few weeks ago, you may have seen the photo of my curly head getting ready for a night on the town? 

(I'm the one on the right, but I curled my sisters head with this technique also)

I got so many wonderful compliments on my hair style so... I figured I could show you all how I did it and try to break it down in a video, one which I'm currently working on now... I hope you're as excited as I am :-) 

Simple, yet so damn complicated

I know, I cussed. Excuse my language, my passion is showing! I just have a question though....Why are these brains of ours constantly getting in the way of our hearts? 

We're all trying to figure something out and are constantly over analyzing things. Sometimes I find myself wondering if this is it. Well, yeah this is it! But what, may I ask, is so bad a bout "this"? I have family that I love with all of my heart, and that love me. Wonderful friends that are super supportive and who I love very much. A place to work, and one that I actually love coming to. Air to breath, food to eat, and a life to live. What's the biggest commonality though? Love. This is what my heart desires. Pure, unadulterated LOVE! Not just the love of a significant other, which I always think about and at times really miss, just love. I know this may seem silly, but it is the absolute truth. When you simply love, you have no choice but to be loved. It's all very simple, yet we continuously complicate it. Why are some of the simplest problems so difficult to solve at times? Over thinking! 

Love really does make the world go round and I think we'll all just be better off when we start living with our hearts instead of our brains.... I love you all, have a great day!

I am not perfect....

I am not perfect. I have never claimed to be. Perfection? Who wants to be perfect? Not me. If I were to claim that I were perfect, that would mean that I was as good as I could possibly ever be. I know for a fact that is not the case. I make mistakes, get angry, frustrated, lonely, and at times, lash out because of them all. After all, you know, I am this thing called a human being. 

What I do claim though, is to love life and the people in it. Yes even the people that are unbearable to me. Because they are human, just like me, and they are probably hurting, just like I do at times. There is no perfection when it comes to the human race. We are constantly growing and evolving, molding ourselves into the universe as it grows and evolves as well. So when I get a nasty email from a coworker about something that was beyond my control, yes I want to tell her just where she can put that email, and sometimes I might be a little snarky, but I always feel badly afterwords. After all, even though she may be lashing out at me, more times than not it's not because of anything I'm doing. She may be hurting, or upset, or frustrated (or maybe I remind her of the girl in high school that used to piss her off in gym class). Who knows? what I do know is she is human, just like me. 

The important thing is not to be a vision of perfection. It's to learn, to grow, to evolve and come out better in the end. In our lives, a lesson will be repeated over and over and over again until the lesson that is meant to be learned is actually learned. What do ya know? Hard headed humans. I don't know about you all, but I can be so hard headed that I have to repeat these lessons more times than I'd like to admit. I guess it's OK though, I'm just going to consider myself really really smart and educated in those subjects and move it right along. Here's to constant growth!

Romeo: More than a Love Story

Sleeping on Mommy at just 3 months old.

This is my youngest little love bug. Many of you may not know that I have a youngest son because he lives with his father in Colorado, but here he is. He is my Romeo. Really, His name is Romeo Gabriel Parker-Wilson. I love him dearly and miss him every day. It's hard for me to talk about him. I made the choice to leave him with his daddy in Durango for many reasons. One being that I could not afford to take care of two babies on my own, and other because his daddy loved him so much. My second option would have been to bring him back to Texas with me and do what I could to raise both of my boys on my own, but I just couldn't see doing that to Romeos father. 

His daddy, Gabe, loved him from the moment I told him I was pregnant. I just knew it. We both loved him before he was even here! This is how I know that he is getting lots and lots of love in Colorado. But you know, I can't help it that I sometimes wish I would have gone with option two. I miss him so much.

Such a Smiley lil baby!

I hope that the older he gets, that he will know that I am here. I am going to do my best to make it known to him. Eventually he will know that I have always loved him and will love him until my last breath. I miss you My little Romeo.

Romeos Daddy and Mommy (7 months Pregnant) 4th of July '09

Meditation? There's no Right or Wrong.

What works for you, works for you. I was trying to explain all of this to a friend of mine last night. Meditation is not always the practice of sitting in a yogi position chanting, I practice meditation all throughout my day. This is a new practice for me, but it works!

Once I start having feelings of anxiety or any other emotion that makes me feel CRAZY I first ground myself. I picture my feet firmly rooted in the earth. I then relax my entire body from the top of my head to my toes. Then I just listen. What is my heart trying to tell me that my thoughts can’t process? Once I do this I swear I can actually hear my heart speaking to me. It is a lovely experience and when I open my thoughts back up everything is so much clearer. The trees look differently. The breeze feels like feathers on my skin, the sun setting in the distance makes me feel as though I’ve jumped into a painting in a nature magazine. I feel just as alive as everything surrounding me. 

Open your mind to try something new.