One of Daves' Lovers

My favorite Dave Mathews song! Well one of them, ha.

I was about six or seven when I can actually remember first listening to Dave Mathews. My mom, being the wonderful creature that she is, used to listen to him all the time. I am so grateful for that, she planted a love for this band that will last a life time. My middle sister, Taylor, told me that it's the one band that her and her husband agree on at all times. They are so adorable, my sister and her husband. They have the most unique love and relationship. I spent the past weekend with the two of them and their two kiddos. We were driving our children to the park yesterday, as I played DJ in her mini van she pointed out the Dave Mathews kick that I've been on. I can't really explain why I've become obsessed, but I'm not complaining and neither was she. We both agreed that to be a Dave Mathews fan you must be completely in love with his music, there is no in between. You either love him or you don't. 

On my bucket list is to go to an outdoor concert of theirs with everyone that I love, everyone I love who are also lovers of Dave. Who's in?

"With out sadness, happiness cannot exist."

I'm really trying (really needing) to write at this moment but it's just not happening as easily tonight. I put on my head phones, turned Pandora to Dave Mathews radio (which has been my writing partner since day one of this blog), and started typing. I usually don't write unless I get some kind of inspiration, it just helps me to not become frustrated. Funny thing is frustration actually became my motivation tonight.

I read a quote from this blog http://living-authentically.blogspot.com/ that help put some things into retrospect for me:

"Without sadness, happiness cannot exist. They complete each other." 

Some emotions are really difficult for me to feel, sadness being one of those. I hate it, feeling sad or lonely. I know these aren't emotions any one really WANTS to feel, but I understand that a small majority are comforted by their hurt. Me, I'm not one of them. So, anytime I feel an icky emotion that I don't want to feel, I just push it away and mask it. I need to stop this. I need to feel my emotions because I believe it's the only way to figure out why I'm feeling a certain way, to move forward and out of it. 

Like I said, the writing is not coming easy for me tonight. Usually I would give up and try again at a later time, but tonight I wanted to try something new. I wanted to feel the frustration that comes with not being able to express myself in my words. I want to accept that I'm not always going to be able to feel the good emotions, to acknowledge and feel the bad ones as well. Because like Dan said in his blog, the good emotions complete the bad emotions. 

So here I am. I'm feeling the frustration and irritation but guess what, I also feel triumphant and happy as I reread this post checking for spelling errors and such. Because I did it, I wrote. It may not be one of my best blogs, but isn't that one of the joys of blogging? The good, the bad, and the ugly right there for all the world to see. This is me at this very moment and I'm putting it out there, and now I'm going to accept it. The End.

Could you spare some change?

When you open your life up for positive change, it comes! Really... I just tried it and it happened. Don't get me wrong when I'm down, I am waaaay down. I’m talking the type of down where I don’t want people to see me because they wouldn’t recognize me. I mean, looking back at those times I don’t even recognize me. My point is I’m not all happy go lucky at all times, but when I am feeling down and really analyze why, I usually get somewhere with it.

Ok, if I’m not making sense to you let me see if I can break it down. This might mean that I have to get personal, which for me on here has not come too easy thus far. I will give you an experience that has gotten me to writing this very blog. I guess you could say that it all begins with this past weekend. I met someone about a month ago that I have had deep, meaningful (and let’s face it sometimes goofy and not so meaningful) phone conversations with that sometimes lasted hours, the first time we talked it was for FIVE hours. No Joke. I had never met my phone buddy in person, but I felt I didn’t even need to. I already knew them. We had connected in the most fantastic way ever, which didn’t include any physical connection whatsoever. I connect with this person in the best way you could possibly connect with someone! I’m really trying to explain this to you guys, but I know I can’t put it into words so we’ll keep it moving. So you get it, we connected as practically strangers and then met in person. Let me tell you that this has been the most enlightening experience ever. After you have connected with someone on such a meaningful level, it’s so hard to go back to life as you knew it. I just can’t go back to the fun things that occupied my time before, which to be honest with you mostly included mingling with all of my Dallas comrades at the best happy hour spots and restaurants. That stuff is all fine and dandy and fun, but it just doesn’t interest me after this weekend of family, friends, and all of the things that I mentioned in my last blog that truly make me happy!

Anyways, back to my point. So I get back from this great weekend and I say to myself “Self, what are you going to do now?” I thought of all of the things that I do each week, trying to come across something that interested me. Do I want to call Evalyn* and go have a margarita? Maybe I’ll try and call Melinda* and resolve the dispute we got in over a controversial topic and a couple bottles of Sweet Red? None of it seemed enticing, but one thing did! Writing. I wanted to write because if there was no one for me to have a little conversation and connecting chat with, I would just connect with my inner feelings. I would write, and I would wait. Wait for whatever my next move was. Wait for the change that was surrounding me, slowly inching its way into my life to show its face and for me to embrace it.

This change came to me last night when a very close friend of mine, whom I haven’t spoken with in months, called me to ask for a favor. She’s starting a Non-Profit and wants me to help, to get involved, to WRITE for the organizations web site! You see that?? I felt change coming into my life and I dug deep within myself, searching for what this change that I longed for might be and BAM… a conformation that I am on the right track. I embraced this change when I felt it, knowing it could be nothing but positive. I let go of the fear and worry and every other negative emotion I was feeling at the time, and grasped for the light. I searched for it like you would a light switch in the dark. Feeling, grasping, stopping to touch on the things that were familiar and the things that I knew would lead me out of the darkness. If you search for something long enough and open yourself to the possibilities of the positive that comes from change, you will eventually find it, even if it turns out to not exactly be the change you expected. Stay Positive, Live Positive, I promise you will see a change.

Loving, Living, Connecting, Happiness

Ayden and Me in San Diego '06

What motivates you? If I had to answer that  question, without a doubt my answer would be happiness! It’s what I strive for on a daily basis. Happiness. I just like saying it, it’s like speaking it into action. Every day when I wake up I think, what will make me happy today? It sounds like a selfish thing, but really it’s not. Happiness to me is LOVE. Not just being loved but giving love, loving life and nature and everything it has to offer. I appreciate the small things in life. 

Brett & Zayne Durango CO 

A Day I Cherish

 The small joys like my morning coffee, oh my gosh how I love my morning coffee. I don’t love it only for its purpose, which is to wake me out of the foggy haze surrounding me each morning. I love the deep smell, the smooth bold taste, the warm feel of it as I take that first sip and it starts its journey through each part of my body. Yes my morning coffee alone is an experience for me, one that I enjoy thoroughly. Sometimes I just want to take these moments of happiness and appreciation and bottle them so that maybe, on a day when my coffee doesn’t taste as great, I can open that bottle and remember. Remind myself that this is life! Each and every thing that we do each day is a part of life.

Family, Last Summer '11... Connecting at its finest

Waking, eating, drinking, loving, dancing, running, breathing, brushing our teeth, washing our hair, these are the things that make up our lives. We’re always searching for more, wanting more, asking for more, but what if this is all there is? Would that be so bad really? Maybe there would be nothing wrong with just simply “living” if we did just that, lived every single moment. Is it possible to really appreciate the small things? To actually feel the warm sun kissing our skin as we walk into the grocery store, and then enjoying the breeze that cools that kiss? I want to. I want to soak in as much of this life as I possibly can. I want to meet new people, and go to places I never thought I would even want to go. I want to build relationships with these beautiful people in my life, I want to hear and live their stories, to feel what they feel and to connect with them on every possible level. This to me is happiness; living, loving, breathing, giving, dancing and laughing.

My niece Dylan dancing to her hearts content. 

All of these things connect me to my life and the life around me, and isn’t this what we all crave the most? That connection so that we know we are not alone? I know it’s true for me. 

Loving=Living=Connecting=Happiness

Some Things Are Worth It

Some thing’s are worth it. In the moment, you savor every detail. Revel in each feeling, each thought, each emotion. You gravitate towards whatever it is that’s telling you that the world is perfect, that life is beautiful, that everything is just as it should be in that moment. You know that it’s not secure, that you could blink and that feeling could be gone, just a memory, but you enjoy it while you can, pushing away the thought that it won’t last. Sometimes it’s like taking your dream car out for a test drive, knowing that you can’t afford it. You take that test drive and you process it in your memory forever, holding on every minute detail, taking them with you to your dreams. When you do dream about that one drive, of course you’ll wake up and long for that feeling again. Sometimes the longing will be so strong it becomes a physical pain, but you still have your memory. You still have that one beautiful reminder, driving with the windows down, your hair blowing in the wind, the radio on and that fantastic dream carrying you down the highway. When you think about that experience and long you for it, hoping that you can feel that high again and that it might become permanent, it makes you smile. You smile, and then you long. Long to feel how you felt in that moment, even for just a moment. It’s torture at times really. Sometimes it’s not worth it, but when it is, it is sooo worth it.

Out with the old so there's room for the new

Relationships are like plants. You must feed, water, and nurture them. Give them light when they need it and shelter them from the cold. But what if you don't know what your plant needs? What if your plant were not showing any signs of dying until it were too late? If something is already weak, say said plant, and a storm were to come along, the chances of it surviving are slimmer than if it were healthy. But who is at fault, is it the plants fault for not showing signs? Or was it showing signs and you just weren't paying close enough attention? I'm pretty sure it's a little of both.

Some relationships in my life right now are withering. I'm really not surprised, only because this happens every time I start digging and soul searching and trying to understand life and things and myself. Certain wonderful people appear that help tremendously, but some of the people that I thought would understand and help the most are gone. Maybe they don't belong in this new chapter of my life? Maybe I'm supposed to slowly write them out of my book until they are just a memory on the pages? I don't know, but I do know that when you bring in something new, you have to get rid of something old to make room. It could be that this is making space for something new and beautiful, something unexpected.  

Just talking about it helps...

If you really know me, you know that I am an extremely deep, sensitive, and spiritual individual. I think with my heart, at all times. I wear it on my sleeve, for all to see, touch, hear. I want to love and to be loved. I want to be happy, and to help others find happiness. This blog is really a way for me to get out all of these feelings I have inside, to maybe show others that they are not alone and connect with them on a very personal level. If no connection happens, and those of you that read this can't really understand where I am coming from, that's alright too. The important thing here is that I am in search of my own soul, I want to put my inner feelings into words so that I may be able to find an inner peace. That peace you read about in novels, you know, the great book with the sob story that ends in the lead character accepting themselves and becoming triumphant in life, love, and happiness. Don't we all want this though? We all long for a connection. We search for this connection in religion, friendships, lovers, our children, everything. My mom put it perfectly to me during one of our frequent mid-morning chats over the phone and our morning coffee. She said she see's us all like the tree of souls in Avatar, every human in life connected. Each one of us deeply rooted and intertwined together, just like the roots of that tree, and everyone of us make up the world as we know it. It's why we crave connection, it's what we were created to do. 


My mom wrote the following poem about me when I was almost 15 (and a blonde mind you), an inexperienced little thing. I love reading it. My mother is such an amazing writer and can capture emotions so vividly and in such a poetic way. I want to share it because it shows how deeply passionate and sensitive I have been all of my life, which I know I get from her. My best friend, my lovely mama. She really gets me I believe, how lucky I am!


Say Nothing


She comes to me today
Sits with me at the computer
Lays her sweet blonde head
Against my arm and cries
I don't know what's wrong
She says, her swimming eyes
Fixed on some invisible point
Beyond the edge of the desk
Can't sleep at night, she says
Feel dead inside, she says
Right here! clinched fist pressed
Into the hollow between
And just below her breast
The paleness of the skin
Contrasting with the blood
Blood red of her shirt and
I sit for a moment, watching 
The blue veins of her hand
Mesmerized, almost, by their
Striking appearance beneath
The smooth, translucent wrap
But she pulls her hand away
Looks to me with blue-gray eyes
The very same eyes that stared
At me on the day she was born
Cuddling into my chest
Radiating love from every
Pore in her newborn body
Warming me from head to toe
Filling me with wonder-love
Now looking to me with
Questions I cannot answer
Darling, the past six months. . . .
Honey, when Lacey died. . . .
Baby, your sisters left home. . .
Sweetie, boyfriends fade away. . .
What do I say, say everything
Tell her not to fight it
Tell her to go with it
Advise her like the
Seasoned pro that I am
Brush her hair away from her cheek
Tuck long smooth strands
Behind her ear, marvel at the
Swirl of downy white hair
At the nape of her neck
And try not to cry. . .
Please, God, don't let her see me cry
Say nothing, nothing at all
I feel better now, she says
Just talking about it helps, she says
I nod, nod, somewhat relieved
Good! I say, with enthusiasm
I don't quite feel, remaining
Cautious, always cautious
Knowing anything is possible
Knowing life will steal the
Light from the brightest
Of the bluest-gray eyes
If they are left to swim alone


For Jessica
November 5, 2002

The best time of my life?

People used to tell me when I was a teenager that I needed to enjoy it, that it was going to be the best time of my life. To enjoy it while it lasted, before I had bills to pay, little mouths of my own to feed, responsibilities other than getting up for school on time and keeping good grades. I never believed them; instead I would think “If this is the best time of my life, just shoot me now.” I had a hard time with high school. Not with the social aspect of it, believe me, I could get along with anyone from any crowd. It was the sitting in class that I had an issue with. It really didn’t start until my sophomore year at Fossil Ridge High School, in Keller Texas. My freshman year I was going to a very small school in the podunk town of Utopia Texas, before my parents moved up to Fort Worth at the end of the school year. I wasn’t able to finish out the year and ended up losing all of my credits for my second semester. So the next year I started off as a freshman at Fossil Ridge but I had to take all of the same classes I had already sat through. Two of roughest classes to retake were Biology and Algebra. I remember being SO bored, and a little bit angry sitting in class, listening to the same lectures, learning the same things over again. I already knew most of it. I would ace all of my tests but slack on my homework, sometimes being 2 weeks behind on it, all because it was so stinking boring that I refused to spend my free time after school doing the homework. My sophomore year I floated by with a C+ average, my time in class spent daydreaming with out even noticing it and writing notes to my friends. At the end of my sophomore year the school found out that my family had moved out of the district. My dad used to drive us 30 minutes in traffic to get us to school every morning. I remember literally begging the school to please let me finish the year out before I had to switch, but they were not having it. So off I went to Northwest High School in Justin Texas, leaving Fossil Ridge, and leaving behind three fourths of a semester worth of credits that I had accumulated. My junior year at Northwest I started the year with the credits of a brand new sophomore. I remember feeling over it all, over high school, over the same classes that I would have to repeat, over meeting yet another set of friends at yet another high school. So I just gave up. When I was in sixth grade I had gone to Northwest, a lot of my friends still went there so I had a few girls that I would hangout with. I started skipping school daily, sneaking away in their cars to smoke cigarettes and listen to Brittney Spears blasting on their radios. The school eventually informed my mother of my behavior, telling her that in order for there to be any hopes of me graduating I’d have to take summer school. She wasn’t having it, my mom told me that I would have to drop out of school and get my GED. She didn’t feel there was any hope of me graduating, I’m sure judging by the choices I was making. So despite my pleas and promises to dedicate my self to school again, I had to drop out. I was 15 when this happened and I remember it as if it were yesterday. This was the beginning of me becoming an adult.

Journey

I’ve decided to start blogging about my life. I am not sure of where I am going to start, or even what I am going to write about. Just going to start writing and see what comes out. I look back at it all and most of it seems so far away, some parts dull and gray, heavy and powerful, some parts bright and full of life and love. I’ve never seen myself as a writer really. I mean, I like to think that I can put together sentences to make it seem like I know what I’m doing. This doesn’t mean I actually know what I am doing. I guess you can say that’s how I have felt about “growing up”. Just going through the motions and hoping I get it right. It hasn’t been an easy road to 26. When you drop out of high school at 15 you’re sort of forced to grow up early. You don’t have those 3 extra years to try and get as much knowledge lodged in your thick skull so that you can hopefully survive the real world. I feel much older than 26 really. When people ask me my age I really want to reply with how old I feel. “Oh, I’m 29.” I’d say, and probably followed with “What’s that you say? I don’t look 29?” I don’t lie though, because I have a hard enough time convincing most that I am 26, it just seems like a lot of work. So back to my road, from age 15 to age 26 I have probably been through more than most 40-somethings have. Some of these things include getting married at 18, pregnant by 19, moving to a foreign country 2 months pregnant, baby by age 20, and divorced by 24. Not to mention the many trials and tribulations intermingled with babies and family and friends and love that I’ve encountered along the way. That is what I want to write about. All of the tiny (and not so tiny) track marks, bumps, and forks that I have endured on this road to the great age of 26. It’s been a beautiful and crazy journey, this first quarter of my life, but I wouldn’t change a thing.